Mostly to write this very personal and meaningful letter for the whole world to see.  Thanks Al Gore for taking time out of your busy schedule to invent the internet so I have this medium to push all my deepest thoughts and feelings onto the general public.

Dear Inventor of the Spray Tan,
    Thanks for taking the time to invent such a wonderful product.  I so appreciate how it releases me from any responsibilty to tan myself and run the risk of more freckles or weirdly shaped mole type spots.  I love how in only 20 minutes of nakedness in front of a near stranger, I can walk around Walmart in shorts feeling confident that the cellulite on the back of my legs looks less disgusting because it is covered up with your strange skin discoloring formula.  And I also enjoy the novelty of turning my armpits green if I did not properly remove the deoderant before application.  It's like a fun little game of "how hard can you scrub those pits in the shower?".  Moreover, I would like to thank you for making my middle look less jiggly.  It is not actually less jiggly and is, in fact, more jiggly than it has ever been before in my life.  But thanks to you it looks brown and almost decent-ish.  So here's to you Mr. (or Mrs.) Spray Tan Inventor Person for being awsome and making my legs look like they contain melanin.  You're the greatest.

                                                                                                           Forever Yours,
                                                                                                           C. Foster



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