So this is one of those serious type posts that I hesitate to even write, because serious type posts get awfully personal.  I know, you think it's awfully personal already when I tell you about my aversion to personal hygiene and the occasional filth level of my home.  But that kind of stuff doesn't bother me.  That's just stuff.  But private, feelings type of stuff, especially about my babies, that's what's real.  And so I'm sitting here typing, ready at any minute to just delete the whole post, because I'm not even sure where to begin.  But here goes...........

    Aaron is a fantastic athlete.  (Ha!  That's not what you expected the issue to be, was it?)  The thing is, I am not.  At. All.  I mean even a little.  I played lots of sports in my youth but only because I went to a tiny little private school and everyone had to play to have enough to make a team.  That plus all the sports kids got out of school all the time to go to games while the other jokers spent hours wasting away in study hall.  No way I was doing that! But I was so bad that just last year my grandmother was reminiscing about going to my softball games and her exact description of me as a baller was something like, "pitiful".  However, when Aaron and I got married and decided to have babies, I just assumed that "athletic genes" would be dominant so I didn't even think to worry.  Wow.  They are not. 

    I mean, our kids have some decent skills and some decent hand/eye coordination, but they are not star athletes.   And bless his heart, SuperG runs just like me.  Which means he can't run.  Even a little.  And right now is baseball season.  (by the way, I know you are already saying "seriously, THIS is this crazy woman's issue?".  Just bear with me)  The thing about baseball season starting in our new, older league, is that we are getting to the hardcore, travel ball level now.  I mean our coaches are great and all the kids are sweet, but there is beginning to be a distinct difference in the ones with skill and the ones without.  And practices get longer, and later.  Which really is fine.  Except that Aaron is not there a lot because he's at work a lot, so the three kids and I have been spending a lot of late hours at the park alone lately.  And let me tell you, it is so hard to get excited about that when you watch your kid out there struggling to keep up. 

    Just for any clarification needed at this point, I don't love my son one iota less because he isn't great at baseball or soccer.  In fact, I think he is smart and cute and funny and wonderful.  Plus he's a pretty good little golfer to only be 7 and he is playing chords with both hands at the same time on the piano already.  He's really a talented guy.  But in the past while, his dad and I have noticed that he isn't trying as hard as he should at things. And that's what has been upsetting us.  His level of talent does not upset us.  The fact that he can practice in the yard all afternoon and show improvement by leaps and bounds, and then go to the ball park and be standing backwards in the outfield because no balls are coming to him or pout when he gets out on a base.  Whew, that's just been a hard thing for us to swallow lately - especially at 8:30 on a school night while his sister is stomping in a ditch full of mud and we're all freezing. 

    Then last night it all blew up.  His attitude was not a great one, and when practice was over and most kids had already left, we realized that his brother's brand new, literally purchased one day before, ball glove had been in his ball bag and now it was gone.  Yikes.  Then when he didn't really seem upset about the fact that he wasn't even supposed to have it and he didn't keep up with it and it wasn't his to loose........Double yikes.  Needless to say, the night didn't go really well because lots of parental emotions were just exploding out of both of us (poor Aaron felt like no one appreciates anything that he works very hard to provide because everyone gets more than they could ever need. And he felt like SuperG was not doing his best when that's all we really ask for.  Not perfection.  Just his best and to care about someone other than himself.  Then I felt like I overwhelmingly can't keep up with everyone's activities and stuff and practices and AR books and homework and laundry and bedtimes and dinners and orange baseball socks without having a meltdown.  Plus I felt like I was going to suffocate with guilt because I have passed on these traits that will make life harder for him because there are things he is just not going to be great at and he will always have a hard time controlling him emotions.  Just.like.me.)  Then we went to bed and just stared up at the ceiling feeling like the worst parents in the world.  It was not a great night.

    I woke up this morning with a heavy heart about the whole thing, and I woke my baby up with hugs and kind words.  But I still couldn't shake all the feelings from last night.  Then you know what?  I spent the morning with a lady who has recently become very dear to me, and she and I discussed some of the things going on in her life.   She has some hard stuff going on right now, and honestly, she's had hard stuff her whole life.  Parents with substance abuse problems.  Homes without much love.  Fending for herself at a very young age.  Then we started discussing a child we know of right now who doesn't have a father in the picture.  Whose mother has a problem with drugs, and men.  Who lives through situations that I cannot even bring myself to think about, and oh what a little trooper he is.  Then I later began telling of the amazing adoption story of a friend.  Last Thursday night, this friend got in the bed praying for a baby, as she had fervently and painfully done for the past four years now.  And she was woken up by a call about a baby.  A tiny 2 pound 4 oz. baby that needed a family to love her.  Within the next 12 hours this friend and her husband were chosen to be the sweet baby's mommy and daddy, and in 72 hours everything was final.  They went from a place of great sadness and longing, to the happiest, most blessed couple you could ever imagine, all in what seemed like a fleeting second.  The proud parents of a thriving little angel.

    Then Aaron sent me a text. "I love you.  Last night was not great.  You ok?".  And all of a sudden that's all I could think was......I had spent the whole night consumed with emotions about the fact that my child is not exactly the person that I had planned for him to be.  That some things are not as important to him as I wish they would be, and he has some things about his personality that he will have to learn to control.  He will have to work harder than other kids if he wants to succeed in some areas.  And he lost his brother's brand new baseball glove.

    And I felt ridiculous.  What in the world do I have to be upset about?  Because he won't be just like his daddy?  Because he can't catch pop flies?  Because he lost a glove that we will probably end up getting back?  Because he has turned out to be just the person we have molded him to be, whether we intended to or not? 

    Oh thank you God for that beautiful healthy child who can make me cry when he genuinely prays.  Who can feel pain for others and not know how to control it.  Who loves to hit a golf balls and gives hugs freely and looks past disabilities and talks your head off.  And who you trusted to me to guide through life to teach what is important.  Please keep help me remember what's important.  And thank you for a little perspective.
Becky
4/17/2012 10:40:20 pm

It is hard being a parent, because we put to much of what the world thinks we should do or ask of our children. God gave us all different talents, and all our little boys aren't meant to be star baseball players, some are meant to be star golfer and preachers. He will find his ninch and he will be great at it. Just love him and don't stress him to much. Love you all, and been there too!

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4/17/2012 11:22:28 pm

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4/17/2012 11:28:53 pm

Cassie, I think you hit the nail on the head at the end of your post when you noted Gibsons heart when he prays. Because in the end of it all, his heart belonging to God is what truly matters, and if you succeed in that, nothing else matters one iota in the grand scheme of it all. Foster and encourage what he enjoys and excels at, and leave the worlds expectations for anything more at the door. You are a terrific mom with so many gifts that you'll pass on to your children. And even if they get a few of your traits you don't love so much, they can still use those things to learn disciplines to better themselves and glorify God through that. Keep up the good work, mama!

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Lisa
4/18/2012 01:28:31 am

Cassie Davis, I never knew you weren't a star athlete and never cared. I just loved your entire family for what you all meant in my life.
My sister who lives in Tupelo (4 boys) has experienced your feelings with her oldest son. He is now 12... About 4 years ago she accepted that he was a history buff, loves guns, adores his year-old baby brother and would attempt to kill anyone who said or did anything to any of his brothers. That he can break any code on any computer, that he loses his eyeglasses, that he is becoming a great little host, that he has a beautiful singing voice, that he still cries when he gets angry. And that he has given his tender little heart to Jesus.
I can't imagine what it feels like to have a child so much like yourself like you and my sis do. She feels guilt , too, but is finally learning to love him as his Creator made him to be.
I know you will do the same. Be kind to yourself, and give extra hugs to Aaron... Sounds like he is a gem!
Love you,
Lisa Springer

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Rosie
4/18/2012 06:16:43 am

This brought a tear to my eye, Cassie. Maybe because I can TOTALLY relate to the overwhelming fear that Silas will NOT be the athlete that his daddy is, but the barely able to walk and chew gum at the same time non-athlete that his mommy is, was, and always will be.
Or, maybe because I find myself standing over his sweet little bed praying...Lord, help me not to create standards for Silas that aren't yours. Help me not to define my sweet boy by perceptions, opinions, and outward abilities. Lord, help me to capture his heart for you, to shepherd his heart toward you!

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Felisha
4/19/2012 08:04:52 am

I am sobbing now. Your blog is suppose to make me laugh out loud, literally, and feel better about the chaos I call life. I am sobbing because usually when I am the most angry with my children I can see direct and obvious traits that I handed down to them as well. I am athletic... however, mine are more like accident prone from lack of attention, short tempered and dramatic that I worry and pray about daily but still when the going get tough always seem to resurface! I love you and your sweet family and I think Gib, Turner, and Davis will all be so proud of the momma and daddy they were blessed with.... maybe it won't be until they have kids of their own but it'll be worth the wait (my mom assures me). Keep up your wonderful work as a wife and momma.... but don't get too good bc your blog will be headed down hill! LOL xoxo

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Zshordan
4/20/2012 04:01:23 pm

You know how special I think that precious child is. Thing is...his talents will last for his lifetime, while athleticism does not. His loving heart constantly reminds me of the love of God, and he is going to grow into a strong servant of God and bring many people to His kingdom. I can just see it! Ha

Wish y'all were with us this weekend! Love and miss y'all!

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7/22/2012 11:07:04 am

Barking dogs seldom bite.

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