Something awful just happened.  I mean, my day started out great enough.  All of Aaron's family has been here for the weekend, hanging out, eating, having a good time.  And it's been great.  Seriously, watching all the cousins playing together is just so rewarding and adorable.  We played, and ate, and swam, and ate, and played, and shopped and ate.  Awesome. (photos and stories coming soon for the 3 of you that care)  And then they left.  And we were lazy bums.  Well technically I was a lazy bum while Aaron and the boys cleaned up the house. (so good to me I tell ya')  Then Aaron went to bed because he has to go back and save the world one high-quality compact car at a time early in the morning.  Destruct-o-girl was out too, but the boys were watching tv as I read on the kindle.  I realized it had gotten a little too quiet and still, and decided it was time to put everyone in their beds since they were drooling on my couch.  So I walked over, removed their blanket, and bent down to pick up Super-G.  I put my arms around him, lifted up, and .................... nothing.  He is so heavy now that I could barely move him.  Literally.  I had to do the whole "get a good grip and bend from my knees" thing.  What?!?!  When did this happen?!?!  When did my baby get so big that I can barely pick him up?  When did he grow to the point that I can no longer carry him?  Why have I apparently been in denial about this?  I mean, I am freakishly strong for a girl that in no way works out.  My lower body strength, for obvious reasons, is ridiculous.  But I could not lift my baby off of that couch.  He's big now.  He's growing.  He can pour his own chocolate milk and reach the microwave and watch his sister and almost read music and wash his own hair and unload the clean silverware from the dishwasher.  I should have seen this coming.  I should not have decided that all the big-boy things he can do are great and helpful.  I should have discouraged them, and babied him, and maybe - just maybe - he would stop growing up so fast.  Instead I have pushed him to grow up and do more, to mature, to eat his vegetables, to come that much closer to leaving me.  Seriously, this one event has suddenly become too much for me to bear.  I am actually crying about this as I type.  How does this happen so fast?
    So I sit here thinking, I know this is supposed to happen.  Children are supposed to grow up - go to first grade and whatnot.  But then what happens to me?  To the mom that is consumed with nothing but diapers and lunchboxes and t-ball games?  Will I grow up too?  I'm sure I will.  I will soon be worried about grades and ball teams and prom dresses.  Then how to pay for college.  Then weddings.  Then grandchildren.  And I will love all of it.  But for tonight I am just going to sit here and grieve about the fact that my baby is not a baby anymore.  And contemplate the meaning of it all.  And cry.  And probably eat something.  

Apparently harmonal,
Cassie
    
5/30/2011 03:01:53 pm

Maybe you're pregnant. That would explain the hormonalness and take care of the desire to do diapers and whatnot. ;)

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Wendi
5/30/2011 10:33:55 pm

I totally feel your pain. I have had these same thoughts this morning. Jody made me submit our pre-school application and I felt that it was perfectly fine laying on the counter collecting dust! Why do they have to grow up??

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Emily
5/31/2011 05:03:28 pm

Rosie put this on her fb and Being such a tech nerd (not) I thought it was pictures lol. But I have to say you put into words my heart. As much as I celibate each new step I look back wondering did I hold on and not wish away the last step because life got in the way??? And how do I stay present for the moments and not let them slip by or be "that mom"??? Thank you for your post, you are not alone in this mom journey!

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Tina
5/31/2011 11:11:48 pm

Cassie, I just read this and a lump came up in my throat. Just wait until your baby girl is going to be a senior! I have cried at least once a week for the past three weeks about this! The thought of her graduating, leaving home and going to college is too much. I just don't see how she can be so big already!!! :(

Love you!

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