Last night I wrote a long and involved blog entry about the fact that I feel like I can never get caught up, but then my computer restarted itself, lost the entry, and almost got murdered.  So tonight as I sit and try to rewrite last night's thoughts, I realize - I can't remember exactly what I said and I'm not quite feeling it any more.  So tonight, you get the cliff notes version.

    I look around at some of you and you look so together.  You are good at your jobs, you are great parents, you sew, you dabble in photography, you are great cooks, you find time to exercise and dress cute, you read, you are active and involved at your church, you never miss a ballgame or practice, you are caught up on all the latest tv shows, you paint your fingernails, your house is clean, you coupon, your ironing is done, you don't have suitcases from last week's vacation still sitting in your dining room, your flowerbeds have no weeds, you shower, you study your Bible, you're tan, you spend quality time with your children, you have s*x with your spouse whenever you feel like it, you're on facebook, and you are best friends with your sister who you talk to every day.  Congratulations, I hate you.  Well, technically I don't hate you, I am just jealous of you but that sort of feels like hate sometimes. 

    So I look out at so many of you that embody a lot of these characteristics, and I start to wonder - "I feel busy all the time, but none of that stuff ever seems to get done.  What am I doing with my life for pete's sake?!  Why can't I exercise or get the suitcases out of the dining room?".  And honestly, I don't know.  It just seems like I can't because of some glitch in the space-time continuom maybe.  I think it would be awesome to experience life for just one day with nothing looming over my head waiting to be done.  With no cheeto smeared on my couch and mail piled at the back door and fecal matter waiting to be dealt with.  But that day does not exist.  Instead I am wondering how I am going to finish couponing in time to shop while Super-G is at piano so I can get home and get Destruct-o-girl down for a nap in time to start the dinner that will be ruined when I realize part of it has fallen victim to the current ant invasion.  And what makes is worse is that I know ya'll are all doing it too.  All of you.  So why then do I feel like many you are doing it better than me?   Do you ever feel that way?  Surely it's not just me?  I need reassurance, and advice, and a few more hours in a day, and a life coach, and a Reece's peanut butter cup as big around as a vinyl record to feel better about this.

    Why do all of our clothes seem dirty at once?  Why do I get the electic bill on the pink paper because I forgot to go by and pay it this month? Why do I hate showering?  Why do I get so consumed with guilt over things not done that I won't go enjoy the pool in my own back yard with my  kids? Why did 7-up change its taste a few years ago and become awful to me?  Why am I the only person on the planet who can't make my hair do the cute, loose curls with the straightener?  Why will my children only pick up after I scream and get out the spanking spatula?  Why do I like to blog so much that I stay up until all hours of the night instead of sleeping?  Why am I full of mixed emotions about the fact that I'm a stay-at-home-mom who doesn't spend enough time with my kids? Why do I love icing so much?  Why won't the ants in my kitchen go away?  Why do I miss hanging out with my husband even though we live in the same house?  Why do I still have no idea how to work my camera after more than a year?  Why are my calves too big for tall boots?  Why don't I have any idea what "True Blood" is?  Why does fingernail polish take so long to dry?  What is the weird yellow coaggulate substance all over the back seat of my truck?  Why don't I go to the dentist like I'm supposed to?  Why do I feel some sort of uncontrollable need to post all of my worst flaws on the internet for the entire world to see?

    If you know the answer to these or any other ridiculous questions, will you please clue me in?  I need to know how you're doing it all.  And if you are not actually doing it all, it wouldn't hurt to let me know that either please.  It makes me feel better about myself to hear of others' failures.  And also, could someone please remind me that my children are small and it will not always be like this?  Remind me that one day they will grow up and I will find myself wandering, "Why do I have nothing to do anymore?  And what am I doing with my life for pete's sake?!". 

Thanks a million.
Cassie (a usually proud and happy disaster who seems to be having an introspective week)
Helen
6/30/2011 08:23:43 pm

I've never met anyone who fits the description in your 2nd paragraph who didn't have a staff to do the stuff!!! Chill out! You are wonderful and your family is blessed to have you! And yes, it does seem like just yesterday when you dressed in the bunny costume for the annual Easter egg hunt and look at you now! I'm proud to know you!

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Courtney Fair
6/30/2011 09:13:12 pm

Cass--ditto. SO, to make you feel better, here's my laundry list of lacks:
I don't have a job right now, there is still a suitcase on the floor of my bedroom right now from a ONE NIGHT trip to my mom's two weeks ago (course, it's filled with clothes for FOUR people), there are piles of clean/folded laundry outside each bedroom door that have been laying there for over two weeks cause every time I have time to put them away, the kids are already asleep and I am NOT going in there to risk waking them, no one can sit on my love seat because it is currently holding 3 loads of clean/UNfolded clothes which will have to be put back in the dryer with a steam ball so the wrinkles will come out, my son has been begging me for his Thomas the Train shorts that I cut out to sew THREE MONTHS ago and never got to, my counter is no longer space fit for preparing food because it is covered in a mass conglomeration of necessary and unnecessary items despite the fact that the 8 and 6 year old GIRLS I BABY SIT helped me wash enough dishes to fill up 4 feet of said counterspace yesterday, I can't fit in my skinny clothes, I'd kill a food right now for an orange hostess cupcake (yes, it's 5:58 in the morning. sue me), the only photo ALBUM that exists in this house if of my wedding (meaning there are 11 years worth of loose photos in boxes that I keep meaning to get creative with a scrapbook), I never paint my fingernails, I'm too lazy to coupon much and feel it would be more expensive anyway since EVERYTHING I buy is great value or equate brand, I DON'T iron (refer back to previous dryer ball comment), my record without a shower is five days, my son "picked" me weeds from my "flower bed" yesterday, I AM actually tan, but only because I occasionally DEMAND time to go there cause it's the only 16-20 minutes of peace I can get (and usually the best sleep as well), I occasionally dream about eating buttercream icing out of a bowl, I just got my hair cut off for two reasons 1)It will cut my shower/getting ready time in half 2)I was too lazy to ever fix it anyway, I don't own a curling or straightening iron, I don't paint my fingernails EVER, I yell at my kids to clean up too and had a family friend MAKE me a paddle that we refer to as "shock and awe" (worst mom ever award, right here), I feel INCREDIBLE guilt over not getting up EVERY morning to read my Bible but instead sleeping late cause I was up too late the night before, I looked at my husband last night and thought, "I haven't really LOOKED at this man who I'm very fond of and who is incredibly handsome in two weeks!" (even though we live in the same house too, and finally, drumroll....my kids have NEVER been to the dentist. So, for all these reasons, I read you're blog and it keeps me sane. Well, that and Breyer's carb free ice cream with Hershey's baking cocoa mashed in.

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Jill Hayes
6/30/2011 09:55:22 pm

Oh, sweet Cassie. Here's my theory. There might be a few people who really have it that together, but the rest of them are probably just really good at hiding those same frustrations that you are willing to say out loud. You would be happy to know that yesterday I piled about 17 loads of clean laundry on my bed, thinking that would motivate me to get them folded so we would have somewhere to sleep, but no, instead I just moved them into a mountain on the rocking chair. You are a great mom, friend, and wife, and even though some things get left undone, you are doing what is important. We had those disgusting little ants last year, and the only way to get rid of them was to spray. ( I can give you Greg's number for that if you want it!) Inside and out. For those of us moms who read your blog, we are standing up saying "AMEN" and "HALLELUJAH". The best thing about it is that you somehow make it all funny to me, so I don't feel so much like running around screaming about it all! Love you!!

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Margaret
7/1/2011 01:38:50 am

My ants are finally leaving !!!!! Praise The Lord !!! I used Terro, got it at Hardware store, but leave it out til all ants are gone, Don't clean them up all the time like I did at first. It's took me a wk but finally getting rid of them. I almost had a breakdown. You are a great mom & wife. Your kids will look & not remember if house was clean or all the laundry done, they'll remember what a fun time they had growing up !!! Love U, MARAGARET

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Karen S.
7/1/2011 08:21:55 am

Cassie when I think of awesome I think of you.....Seriously just read on: you are smart & i dont mean just any kind of smart, Im talkin thirtyish ACT smart! You are pretty & caring about others. You are so talented! Your house is better than anything Ive ever seen in a Southern Living Magazine & its all yours & aarons ideas. you have the best stuff to occupy your kids at church. Im convinced those bags have magic in them! You have pretty dishes & plates that you put your snacks, casseroles, pasta salads etc. that you take to church gatherings, you love your family & God & your family & God love you. you have rockin kids & a good, good husband. You have a wonderful mom & dad a precious sister great brothers & fabulous inlaws quite frankly you have so much for me to be jealous of but the main thing you have that you cant go out & get is a terrific Christian support system. That just doesnt happen you have to earn it & work at it. Which comes so natural for you because no matter how long its been since ive seens you when i do you are totally the same! Just funny & loving & understanding & a great person. I will tell you when i got home from work i was so mad about something that happened to me that i could have started crying! But i let my head quit spinning around long enough to read thru ur recent blogs & now have actually laughed a few times while reading about ur beautiful take on life! So there! You have put me in a better mood & now my baby girl has come in here to tell me loves me & wants to crawl in my lap. So there it is my mantra on life which is "this too shall pass". Just always know I think ur the bomb.

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Cassie
7/3/2011 07:21:30 am

Look at me figuring out how to comment! Thanks for all the kind words everyone. I never really intend for these things to beg for compliments, I just start writing what's going on in my life and it all comes pouring out. It's sweet of you all to build me up, and it's also funny to hear just how alike we all are, even if it's behind closed doors where all the laundry is piled (especially you Courtney!).

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Kiri Parson
7/5/2011 05:36:47 am

I just want you to know that I'm not at all together either but I try to tell Chris (because my unorganization bothers him much more than it does me) that I don't want to miss a moment of Ross' life that I don't have too. So get over the disaster that is the laundry room, it's not the end of the world.

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Heather R
7/7/2011 11:37:20 pm

Ooh Cassie..do you remember the time I wanted to talk to you so I called....Savannah's friend and talked to a thirteen year old about everything under the sun. Especially horses forever until I finally figured out it wasn't you? Ha. Your way too hard on urself sometimes. You have three small children. Hire someone to help clean. Set a date night. No matter what Ash or Vannah can babysit. I clean house now by the way. Not my own of course Hehe. Then even id chetos is on the couch take a swim. Who cares time flies and Im here bawling because I have a senior in high school!!! She will leave next August for college. I have stayed home all these last seven years wondering what im worth. I see my almost grown children and I feel so blessedthat I could. Even though it has been the hardest job I've ever done and I've had those days where I want to quit. You my sware friend are one brave teases filled delilectable of a mother ( im using that food term because im hungry ha) you choose to be with them its much easier sometimes to work a job than have a job work you. Ha I know what im talking about. I had to work forthe first half of the girls life. It was easier in some ways I knew everyday when I woke up what I had to do and did it. Now I feel like I never know when its my day off. Plus I've addeda parttime job and online classes. My room looks as bad as the girls. I want it to be different but I also want to pack every moment I can into looking and marveling at my kids. Because its quite possible that may be the only thing ill ever do right. No one or nothing will take that from me. Lord willing. I love you girl hang cause it will get better in the mean time take some advice.

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Ms Jimmie
7/8/2011 11:04:44 am

Take it from an old, gray haired, fat, experienced mom. . .there will ALWYAS be laundry and bills piled at the back door! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I PROMISE with all my heart, you are gonna blink three times and your three will be outta the house and on their own - they WILL become productive Christian soldiers - because you allow the stuff to pile up and you take care of what is truly important!! If the disorganization really and truly bothers you - PRAY about - but for real - it's ok!! You're gonna make it!!!

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